Thursday, July 28, 2011

Blessings Abound

Day 3 of Operation LARC (Left Alone in Redneck County) was going fairly well. Beside the underlying urge to ball my eyes out, nothing seemed amiss. Work flew by as it usually does when I have too many meetings, phone calls, and customers to fit into an 9 hour day. I enjoyed a dinner with my sis-in-law and her two boys and even made it to the gym for a good ol' fight with the treadmill. Little did I know the real fight was waiting for me at home and it had a lovely, politically correct name of "Overtired and Emotional".

Perhaps a little background setting is necessary. In the last 4 1/2 years that Josh and I have been together as a couple, we have talked or seen each other every single day. Even when we were apart on college breaks or during Josh's last year of school, we talked for hours each day. The past 2 years, we've only been apart for those times we had to travel for work, or when I flew to see my family on my own. Every. Single. Spare. Minute. was spent together because we knew THIS day was coming. I am SO incredibly thankful for a man that was willing to give me so much of his time and energy and who I can honestly say, I never got sick of being around.

Fast forward to this week. My husband has left for Officer Training School for the Air Force. Yay!!! Finally - what a long, long process! So here I am, in my single wide trailer, trying to adjust to life without my man. You know what though? It's not as bad as I thought it would be. I know without a doubt there are people praying for me, because God's presence is so very real right now. I look back on the times we were apart during college and I want to go back to that girl, give her a good shaking, and make her let God take care of her. But that's the thing - you can't force anyone to let God in. I'm so thankful for the ways God broke me before Josh left so that I admitted I couldn't do this on my own and I let Him have it all.

Letting God have it all is a daily - if not moment by moment - process and commitment. The past 3 days have consisted of me staying up late hoping that Josh would have a chance to call. Add an hour-time difference into the mix and needless to say, it's an adjustment. It was getting very close to the cut-off time that I knew Josh wouldn't be able to call me after and I was tired, emotional, and alone. That underlying urge to ball my eyes out had haunted me all day, but nothing could crack the barrier keeping it inside. (Ladies, you know what I mean - there are just times you know you will feel better if you just have a good cry.)  So here I am at 11:45pm, climbing into bed to attempt sleep and I haven't spoken to my man all day. I have two choices to make - the emotional one, or the trusting one. All too often, I make the emotional choice. But something last night inside of me told me to make the trusting choice and to refuse to believe that God had anything less than my best interest at heart. So I prayed, gave it all to God and laid down.

Josh did call me last night - for 6 1/2 minutes. That's more than a lot of military wives get and I am so thankful that we have the ability to hear each other's voices, if only for a few minutes. I have to admit though, those emotions were still running high when we hung up and I went to sleep. There's just a place in me that is a dull aching pain - the emptiness of being away from the person you love most in this world. I told God about it and went to sleep - knowing He knows and He CARES.

Sometimes we have to make the decisive, purposeful choice not to let our emotions win. For me, it's not enough to just say "no" to my emotions, I've got to make that same decisive, purposeful choice to say "yes" to actively trusting my God.

I woke up this morning to the most beautiful confirmation from God that I have ever had - a loving text message from Josh! Those 10 lines mean more to me than anyone will ever know, because only God knows the emotional struggle I went through last night to simply trust Him. After reading the text from Josh, I had another confirmation from God this morning: Proverbs 28:20 - "A faithful man shall abound with blessings". God doesn't expect me to figure it all out, or to be "OK" on my own. He simply asks me to be faithful to trust Him and He's going to bless me beyond anything I can dream. You may think these two things are small and insignificant, and that's ok. But to me, they were lovingly orchestrated by the God of this universe to let me feel His love and confirm that He will take care of me. It was hard to be faithful last night, and He blessed me this morning. Nothing can ever tarnish the token of love He has given me. Blessings truly abound.

Time

Time is a funny thing - it crawls along oh so slowly before suddenly rushing by without any consideration to your reeling emotions. Insensitive, impartial, unemotional - that's time for you. Dying for something to happen? Time's not going to speed up just because you can't sit still. Apprehensive about that change facing you? Time's not going to tap the brakes because you can't cope. It's a gift we've been given, a curse we've been burdened by, and an ever-ticking clock we can never turn back.

Time. What a conflicted relationship I have with you.